Para Kay Tatay. :)

When I was a kid back in Norway, I didn’t have any friends. All the other kids in our neighborhood were a lot older than me so I didn’t really get the games that they played, and they never bothered to engage in mine either. Also, they seemed to treat me differently because I looked different. I did have one playmate, though. And back then, I considered him the perfect playmate. He was cooperative, imaginative, and he never got tired of the games that we played. And no matter what we did, he would always, always let me win.

And so I had a joyful childhood, thanks to my dad. :)


I was looking at our pictures a few days ago and that’s when all those memories came rushing back. It’s funny how at first, you think about the loved ones you’ve lost every single day. Then eventually, you realize that you no longer think about them as often as you used to. That leads you to believe that you’re okay now, that you’ve moved on. But it only takes a few dumb things for you to feel the same flood of emotions that have been hiding underneath you.

The pain hasn’t gone away, and maybe it never will. It’s a part of me now, and that’s just something that I’m gonna have to live with.


I miss him. I really do. Belated happy birthday, papa. :)

Nostalgia.

Back in my freshmen year, we can't make calls using our home phone line and you actually have to buy this card (digikard) to be able to make a one. I was using this card to call this girl everyday after class. Hindi pa ako nagpapalit ng school uniform, tinatawagan ko na siya. We were on telebabad mode. During dinner, after dinner, while doing our assignments, and before we go to bed. Everyday and every night! And then every friday we used to stay up late and just talk about everything and anything until we fall asleep.

The girl's name is Rossann. She was using her Hello Kitty phone back then in her bedroom (which makes a very crappy sound) and I was using our wireless phone (which was always lowbatt). We became MUs, then came Sep 4, we became Lovers. (big grin) haha! Thanks to Digikard! Eksaherado! Imagine, I courted her for 1 year! But uh.. we broke up after a month. hahaha! And then came my Junior year, I tried to win her back with the help of my digikard and then panalo na naman nung May 24! But we broke up again 13th of June the same year. Wala pang isang buwan. Fail! But it's okay. Learned a lot. :)

So now you know the story behind the Cupid (Digikard), and that there was a girl named Rossann who made my heart beat like Manny Pacquiao on a Hyper Mode and like Susan Roces saying "not once, but twice!"


I couldn't help smiling when I read this because it brought back so many memories of my very first encounter with love.

I was fourteen years old at that time and I knew nothing about relationships so we didn't even last for a month, but I remember how my heart would jump whenever I'd see him and how my cheeks would redden each time he'd start talking to me.

And though we barely spoke in person because I was just too shy, we would spend countless hours talking on the phone. Thoughts of him consumed me and there was always nothing that I wanted more than to get home and wait for my silly hello kitty phone to ring.

I remember how my heart raced when he sang to me and all those letters and text messages that I kept and read over and over again before I went to bed.

I remember the perplexity, anxiety, and aggravation that came with the love that I felt; an innocent love so totally devoid of knowledge and understanding that was best expressed with disguised gestures, words left unsaid, and actions that misled.

I remember the heartbreak best of all, that insufferable pain that made me appreciate and want love even more. You see, fairy tales are always more beautiful once you've seen them in reverse.

It's already been five years, and looking back, one might say that what I felt was not even love to begin with. Maybe it was just a deep-seated longing to connect with another human being, an insatiable yearning tainted by conflicting emotions and illogical ways of thinking, or some hunger to experience what I'd seen in movies and read about in books.

Well, one may call it whatever he wishes to call it, but in my heart of hearts, I am absolutely certain it was love: childish, selfish, bittersweet love. :)

La Lalala Lala.. :)

She’s standing near the edge of a cliff, taking in the beauty of everything around her. And she knows she has to go, because she’s just moments away from falling; with one wrong move, she might end up tumbling over the edge.

Yet, she can’t turn her back on the magnificent view. Something is stopping her from leaving. It’s the slightest possibility that she might not end up falling after all.

For she could see herself flying, with outstretched arms over the mountains and hearts falling from the sky. Butterflies would be chasing after her. And everything would smell of flowers, red sweet-scented flowers. Oh, the view from the air must be divinely beautiful.

So she turns to face the one holding her hand, and tells her that she loves her. And as she takes the leap, she closes her eyes, and hopes against hope that she would want to fly along with her. :)

Vicious Cycle.

It’s over and you know it. Nothing that you say or do could ever change the fact that she no longer wants to be with you. Yet, your world continues to revolve around her. You live for those fleeting moments when she suddenly comes back and everything returns to the way they used to be; and regardless of how she makes you feel afterward, you are undoubtedly hopelessly, shamelessly, desperately in love with her, and nothing else matters.

It’s not like you haven’t made an effort to stay away from her. God knows you’ve been struggling to forget her, but hard as you try, there’s just no way you could ever live your life without her.

Even if you know that she’s only after you whenever it’s convenient and your feelings for her will never be reciprocated in the same way that you give it, you’re too blinded by your love for her to care. That’s why you just settle for whatever it is that she’s willing to give and pretend that you’re contented with the way that things are between you.

All you really want is to be appreciated and cared for, and at this point, it’s the most you can hope for.

You’ve learned to keep all the worries, hurt, and sadness that are whirling inside you hidden on the farthest corner of your heart just so that they could momentarily vanish while you’re with her. There’s nothing you’re supposed to feel but bliss when you’re around her. Yet, as soon as you part ways, the realization that you are alone and always have been hits you.

Then you ball yourself up, and cry your heart dry.

Reminder To Self:

Haha. Nasa Condo ako ni Tj. Pero hindi niya naman ako pinapansin kasi nag-aaral siya for her Chem Quiz. Dito ako natulog. :)


Magdamag na ko nag-iinternet. At kailangan ko nang umalis.


Ayun. Gusto ko lang magblog. XDDD




Si Tj na nasestress sa Org Chem in her most dramatic voice:

"I'm so confused with Chem.... I'm so confused with life!"



Hahaha. Walang kwentang post. XD Ligo na ko! :D

Chorva.

We’ve just finished eating- Cathy, Chelsea, Cindy, Jhie, and me; but we have nowhere to go and nothing to do, so we’re just sitting around and waiting for Dave. Surely, he would come up with something fun for us to do.

“Wala tayong pinatutunguhan ‘pag wala si Dave.”


We talk about random stuff. Blockmates. Crushes. Professors. People we dislike.

“Nasa’n na ba si Daaaaaaaaaaaaaaave.”


Someone mentions Bababe Akong Namumuhay Nang Mag-isa, and I talk about my fear of being single forever. Cindy and Jhie says they share the same fear. Then Chelsea, who always knows the right thing to say, says that the chances of that happening are slim. She enumerates reasons why. Cathy agrees. But we don’t seem convinced, so we just make a pact that the three of us would marry each other if we turn out to be single at forty-five.

Then, we talk about lesbians, bisexuals, gay men, culture, and even religion.


“Ang tagal naman ni Dave.”


They talk about anime and my mind starts to wander. Thirty minutes later, we’re all bored and annoyed, and sweaty from the heat.


Still no sign of Dave.

So, we all complain about his schedule and how we all have nothing to do when he’s not around.


“E pano pa ‘pag nagkagirlfriend na si Dave?” I ask out of curiosity.


They all seem to loathe the idea. Cause then, he’d be spending even less time with us. Wala nang mauutusan, wala nang magtatake-out, wala nang kukuha ng discussion room sa lib, wala nang mapagtritripan.

Then, we find comfort at the thought that he doesn’t seem to be interested in anyone anyway. And once we start talking about his lovelife, he suddenly appears.


We tell him about how we’d all be sad when he gets a girlfriend, but he looks clueless, with no idea of where that thought came from. So, when Cathy explains it to him and tells him how we would all be affected by him having a girlfriend, he just laughs, and says, “Therefore.. appreciate me?” with those big eyes and wide smile that remind me of Santino. :D

Abstruse

Flying dreams signify the wish to lighten up, become unburdened by worries, and break away from conventional norms, mores, and established ways of thinking.


I was convinced that I had to give up, for I had already spent an eternity by his side, patiently waiting for him to notice me. Yet all my efforts were futile, ‘cause no matter what I did, he just didn’t see me.

...

Saying goodbye to someone who doesn’t even know that you exist is pointless, but I did it anyway.

Still, I got no response. He was staring blankly ahead.

...

My footsteps echoed in the silence. I looked back over my shoulder at that face that I knew so well, and felt an onslaught of tears rising once more. All I ever wanted was to have a share of his world, but as it seems, the odds of that happening are fiercely against me.

My heavy heart felt lighter with every step. And at some point, I was weightless. Gravity had ceased to exist and I was just floating in the air, blissfully unaware of how weird this all was.

...

He is the epitome of everything that I want but I just can’t have. And a while ago, I was standing right next to him.

I should have known that I was just dreaming. :)